Saturday, 9 July 2011

My first OB/GYN shift, in which, surprisingly, I don't see any lady parts.

Okay so maybe I hyped up OB/GYN a bit more than I'd hoped for. 
It's actually not as hilariously insane as I might have expected it to be. 

I mean, sure I had to carry a bunch of samples, which included urine and tissue from an ectopic pregnancy (or a wannabe fetus as I like to call them) in a carton that was once a carton used to store a crap ton of eggs (there was no other medium of transportation).

Sure the sample with the fetal tissue was exposed and there was a big gaping hole in the bottle, which was ultimately worrying because I kept envisioning myself being drenched in, ummm, 'embryonic tissue'.  

Which , BY THE WAY, totally DIDN'T happen thank God, much as it would have been entertaining I'm sure.

Yes, my first day was disappointing. 

But then something awesome happened near the end of the shift. The resident, who I'd known from my previous stint in the resuscitation room (he was serving time there as well) came up to me and asked me who was covering the mid shift (I was in the morning shift).
"A reliable guy, don't sweat it."
"You don't understand, I need a man's man to get something done for me. Do you mind doing it and staying a bit later?"
"Sure, no problem."

Little did I know, that he wanted me to do something totally and utterly illegal..............

There was a patient that was due for a C-section the week after and she had mentioned a heart problem that she had when she was 6 years old. She didn't know the specifics but she remembered having had an operation. Now, the resident, ordered an echocardiography but it came up inconclusive. The problem was that no cardiologist would see her unless she had a chest X-ray. 

So the resident wanted me to get a Chest X-Ray done, on a very pregnant lady, in a hospital that has a protocol of not doing X-Rays on pregnant women. Not only that, but he wanted me to do it in the ER (because any other way would take forever)

Now a few notes I have to mention here, just in case people reading this think I'm some sort of reckless doctor with absolutely no ethical background whatsoever. 
  • It's alright for a woman to get an X-ray during her pregnancy. It's not routine, but if it's necessary then it needs to be done.The few rads of radiation won't hurt anyone. The problem lies in multiple x-rays and so, just as a precaution the hospital banned all sorts of x-rays on pregnant women.

  • Now, there is a way to get around this, ahem, legally. You get a radiologist to sign in on the request, and he sets up an appointment for her to have her x-ray. That's a totally doable situation but there's a problem with this scenario. It takes fucking ages. As I mentioned in a previous post, the bureaucracy in our hospital is maddening, and shit tends to take a while. Time was not something we had.

  • She really did need an X-ray. A C-section is , for all means and purposes, an operation, and having an operation with undetected heart problems could lead to disaster for both her, and her unborn child.

I was up for the task and told him I'd do it. So I went to her and explained the situation clearly to her. After she agreed, I told her to get dressed in her normal clothes and we were on our way to the ER. Now the only way we'd get the technician to do said X-ray was if we lied our asses off. So for 20 minutes, I had a brand new cousin who needed a Chest X-Ray. I told her that if anyone asks about her ridiculously swollen belly, she'd tell them she had ascites ( fluid in the peritoneal cavity). After getting our stories straight we arrived at the X-ray room. 

I'd love to say that I had to convince the guy to do this one favor for me. I'd love to say that it took me ages to persuade the technician to perform the X-ray. 

In reality, it took me all of 5 seconds. It went a little something like this:
"Hi, I'm an intern here and my cousin wants to get this chest X-ray done because the doctor at the clinic said she needed it done."
"So she's a relative, sure man no problem. Consider it your machine!"

God bless favoritism. 
God bless corruption.
God bless Egypt.

PS: In case you were wondering, the X-ray revealed ridiculous cardiomegaly, which did in fact mean that there was something wrong with her. She's now being treated by the cardiologists and she's on the proper medication and hopefully, everything will work out fine.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Obstetrics and Gynecology. Fuck Yeah!

That's right folks.

For the next 2 months, I'm going to be talking about pregnant ladies and vaginas.

Now before you perverts start thinking,
"You lucky sonofabitch, women will strip down and show you their lady parts for free for 61 days"
let me just illuminate your perspective.

You're absolutely right. Women will strip down and show me their lady parts for free...

Let me just add a few more words to that last sentence to show you why you're wrong.

EMOTIONAL, HORMONE PACKED Women....OF ALL AGES.....will strip down to show me their SICK lady parts for free.
Here's a list of bullet points ( because you all know how much I love bullet points ) to illustrate my dismay:

  • SICK lady parts: Women, don't get me wrong. You're beautiful in every way. All of you. And I'm sure that your lady parts are perfect just the way you are. But like all other organs and body parts, when you get sick, they start looking less, how you say, perfect. I won't get into specifics, but fucking trust me on this one perverts, no vag is better than sick vag

  • EMOTIONAL HORMONAL women:  Now hormones are a double edged sword. With them come all the wonderful things that make women women. Compassion, understanding, affection, love and all that. But when the hormones start working in overdrive you get all those other traits: Bugfuck Insanity, Absurdity, Illogicality ( I know its not a word but stay with me here) This becomes especially evident when a woman is pregnant, because according to her, EVERYTHING THE DOCTOR DOES is harmful to her baby, like say, take her god damn history and do an ultrasound.

Now the non-perverts (or perverts in hiding) are probably thinking , 
"But Dr. A, you're going to see the wondrous miracle that is child birth. It'll change your life every single time you witness it."

....................WRONG AGAIN!

Now don't get me wrong. I'm sure child birth is a beautiful process that brings a brand new human being into this wonderful happy planet (I hope to God you're realising the subtle undertones of sarcasm here)  but let me explain why it's not as 'life changing' as one would hope.

I once saw a doctor go in....with BOTH HIS properly position a baby. 

That image is seared onto my brain, and is just a precursor to what sometimes happens in the 'Birth Kiosk' . Yes that's right, it's officially called a Birth Kiosk.

Now I'm sure its a beautiful process and all but witnessing this:

coming out of a uterus that was once the size of your goddamn FIST

can be quite disconcerting for many.  (The pictures aren't to scale I realize, but I'm too lazy to look for more appropriate pictures)

All in all, I'm sure they're going to be an entertaining 2 months, more for you than for me. So sit back, relax and enjoy the endless, and hopefully hilarious torment, that I'm going to have to endure.

Let Me Explain My Absence (Or At Least Make Something Up So You Can All Love Me Again)

Alright, so I guess I have some explaining to do. It's been a whole month and a half since I've updated this blog but there's a reason for that. Here it comes. Are you ready for it?

I was in Pediatrics.


That's my excuse. Now let me explain why it's a valid excuse because I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking,

"But Dr. A, Pediatrics must have been hilarious. Crying kids, crazy mothers; a shit ton of hilarious stuff MUST have happened to you!"

The real answer is no, not really. I mean sure you've got the crazy mother who's worried about her crying child, but that's because most of the kids had serious afflictions, and try as I might to spin dead babies into something funny, I just couldn't. It was harsh, it was brutal and I had the world's stupidest resident for a superior (which meant more kids weren't getting the attention or treatment they properly needed). I have however, come to an epiphany of some sort.

I want to be a pediatrician.

Specifically, a pediatric oncologist.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I've decided to pick the world's most depressing field when it comes to medicine. Do not ask me why ( I don't know myself ) . All I know is that it's something I want to do for the rest of my life, for now.  But again, I doubt any of you really care about what my goals and achievements are. This was just merely an explanation for my absence.

Does this mean I'm ending my blog?

Fuck no.


Because I've still got one more field left, and judging from how things are going from day 1, it's hopefully going to be the funniest field yet.

To quote one of the great philosophers of anyone's time:

I'm back bitches.