Saturday, 2 July 2011

Obstetrics and Gynecology. Fuck Yeah!

That's right folks.

For the next 2 months, I'm going to be talking about pregnant ladies and vaginas.

Now before you perverts start thinking,
"You lucky sonofabitch, women will strip down and show you their lady parts for free for 61 days"
let me just illuminate your perspective.

You're absolutely right. Women will strip down and show me their lady parts for free...

Let me just add a few more words to that last sentence to show you why you're wrong.

EMOTIONAL, HORMONE PACKED Women....OF ALL AGES.....will strip down to show me their SICK lady parts for free.
Here's a list of bullet points ( because you all know how much I love bullet points ) to illustrate my dismay:

  • SICK lady parts: Women, don't get me wrong. You're beautiful in every way. All of you. And I'm sure that your lady parts are perfect just the way you are. But like all other organs and body parts, when you get sick, they start looking less, how you say, perfect. I won't get into specifics, but fucking trust me on this one perverts, no vag is better than sick vag

  • EMOTIONAL HORMONAL women:  Now hormones are a double edged sword. With them come all the wonderful things that make women women. Compassion, understanding, affection, love and all that. But when the hormones start working in overdrive you get all those other traits: Bugfuck Insanity, Absurdity, Illogicality ( I know its not a word but stay with me here) This becomes especially evident when a woman is pregnant, because according to her, EVERYTHING THE DOCTOR DOES is harmful to her baby, like say, take her god damn history and do an ultrasound.

Now the non-perverts (or perverts in hiding) are probably thinking , 
"But Dr. A, you're going to see the wondrous miracle that is child birth. It'll change your life every single time you witness it."

....................WRONG AGAIN!

Now don't get me wrong. I'm sure child birth is a beautiful process that brings a brand new human being into this wonderful happy planet (I hope to God you're realising the subtle undertones of sarcasm here)  but let me explain why it's not as 'life changing' as one would hope.

I once saw a doctor go in....with BOTH HIS properly position a baby. 

That image is seared onto my brain, and is just a precursor to what sometimes happens in the 'Birth Kiosk' . Yes that's right, it's officially called a Birth Kiosk.

Now I'm sure its a beautiful process and all but witnessing this:

coming out of a uterus that was once the size of your goddamn FIST

can be quite disconcerting for many.  (The pictures aren't to scale I realize, but I'm too lazy to look for more appropriate pictures)

All in all, I'm sure they're going to be an entertaining 2 months, more for you than for me. So sit back, relax and enjoy the endless, and hopefully hilarious torment, that I'm going to have to endure.

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