Friday, 22 April 2011

Care for the Patient. Right, See That Over There? That's a Pig, With Wings.

As a doctor, I'm expected to put up with all sorts of crap the patient has to offer. I have to respect them much as I can, even if its not mutual, and try my best to alleviate whatever injury or sickness they might be afflicted with.

Now this is my blog, that I write, that reflects my opinions and thoughts. I do not need to be politically correct here. I share my thoughts (as vile or humorous as they may be) and regurgitate them onto this computerized canvas. So, let's talk about patients I fucking hate:

  • The educated patient: I know what you're thinking. What the hell? Educated and knowledgeable people? How are they worse off than the ignorant? I'll tell you how in even MORE bullet points:
    • They will always second guess you. Nothing is ever enough for these patients. They will want full tests and imaging done on them. Now full tests and imaging takes alot of time; alot more time in a public hospital that's facilities are piss poor, which brings us to point number 2
    • They will bitch about how long everything's taking. See, odds are educated people found in our hospital have most likely been to other hospitals where something called 'money' is exchanged for proper and better service. Now this is clearly not how we roll here in Kasr Al Aini. A simple routine CT scan can take up to 2 hours sometimes even 3 to get done (machine might be getting fixed, the operator might be out to lunch, the resident who signs off on the request might be asleep due to long shifts) So there's a plethora of reasons as to why shit takes too long in our hospital. But does the educated person understand? No. Of course he doesn't. He's been to Dar El Fouad before, so this service is just APALLING! Well asshole, guess you should've gone to Dar El Fouad instead of gracing us with your dickish presence.

  • The Old People: Again, you're probably thinking, "Awwww but old people are so cute and cuddly, and they have so much wisdom to share. I know! I saw it on Grey's Anatomy!" False. Here's another list of why Old People suck as patients:
    • The smell: People always talk about 'old people' smell. I'll let you in on a little secret. "Old People' smell is a delicate fragrance only gained by the mixing the pungent aromas of piss and shit so specifically, that you get a brand new "shiss" scent. They cannot clean after themselves and their relatives usually don't give a shit either. Now I know this isn't their fault and I promise you, that when I do clean after them sometimes, I smile and talk and make sure everything's dandy. But in the end, I'm forced to deal with very, very 'strong' scents on a daily basis, and yeah that does piss me off.
    • The dementia: This to me, is alot worse than the smell. There's cute dementia (like remembering you're the younger version of you and its 1940 and war is upon us again). Then there's batshit dementia. I had a patient screaming at me for an entire day because:
      • I didn't give him back his stick (that he used for funny things like hitting fucking doctors and nurses) 
      • I didn't want to unfurl the curtains between his bed and his 'son' (who was an even older comatose patient that deserved the privacy he needed before he passed away.                 
                   How did he show his disdain? By spitting at me, EVERY SINGLE TIME I passed his bed.
                   Old people can be such assholes sometimes.    
  • Women over the age of 40 that need a urinary catheter: This, and this alone, is why I'm never going to  be a gynecologist. I've changed dressings on infected amputated limbs that reeked of pus. To this day, I've not yet completed a full insertion of a catheter into a woman's urethra. The smell haunts me to this very day. Ladies, please, I beg of you. Clean your lady parts. Especially when you get older. You'll be doing the medical community a giant goddamn favor.

  • Scared mothers: Now I can't blame these people. I know what it's like and I understand their position. Their baby is sick and they're scared shitless. But goddamn it, how the hell am I supposed to diagnose anybody with them screaming at me and shouting at me every single time the baby cries during a procedure or an examination. The end result is always the same: I go temporarily deaf, she loses her voice and the baby's crying even harder now. Ladies, please: I understand that this is a horrible time for you, but I promise, I do, that if you leave me alone to do my job I'll try my best to see what's best, and if i fail, then you still have your voice to fucking use to puncture my ear drums.

All in all, ask any doctor what the best patient is and they'll tell you: "The Comatose". They're our unsung heroes in the hospital. They don't cry, they don't bitch, they don't whine and they definitely do not spit on your face. It'd do every prospective patient a little good if they learnt something from the unconscious patient.


  1. I want to laugh, but I'd feel mean if I do. I don't want to laugh now, but that's just...funny.